The Reality Is... Funny
I wake up with a good attitude everyday. Then idiots happen :-(
You all laugh because I am different, I laugh because you are all the same. ♡
Only Smart People Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly.
An awkward moment is when you pretend to die in front of your pet… and they don’t move.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust.
School for 12 years, college for 4 years... Then you work until you die. Great! Has anyone thought of getting a life?
Twitter is basically just you having a conversation with yourself and hoping someone will like it.
Facebook is actually just like staring at a crowd with sunglasses on, without getting caught.
Instagram is just another social network where people that say nothing go.
I’m actually not funny, I’m actually just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Sorry, honey. Sarcasm falls from my mouth as easily as stupidity falls from yours...
A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet do the opposite is called an ASKHOLE.
I had the best day ever, I ran into my ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend.......With my car.
The world would be a nicer place if everyone took a chill pill… and some choked on it.
Why do they ask: "Are you sleeping?" Do they think: I’m in training on how to die."
There is a "lie" in believe, "over" in lover, "end" in friend, "us" in trust, "ex" in "next" and "if" in life.
Seeing your ex downgrade: Best feeling ever.
I found your NOSE! It was in my business again.
*Me after eating one healthy meal*: ... I wonder how much weight I've lost.
The biggest problem with school is that it exists.
I really make myself laugh. I should date me.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
If parents know half of what teens get up to they would ground them for life.
I’ve always pronounced duct tape as duck tape.
How to wear leggings if you're fat: Don't.
If I could remember school work like I remember lyrics ... I would be a genius.
You know you're doing something right when people you don't even know hate you.
Oh, you're the ex? Nice to meet you, I'm the upgrade.
Don’t break into my house and steal my things, the neighbours have better stuff.
I procrastinate so much I procrastinate thru the actual procrastination.
I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said.
If sleep is SO important… why does school start so early?
I can't hear you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question.
The worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.
A birth control pill for men.. It makes more sense to pull the bullets out of a gun than to wear a bullet proof vest.
*looks in mirror* oh, that's why people don't like me.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.
I act like I don't care but deep inside I still don't care…
Roses are red, violets are blue, face’s like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you…
To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it…
My life, My choices, My problems, My mistakes, My lessons. Not your business.
Square Box. Round Pizza. Triangle Slices. I'm confused…
You can't spell homework without "ew".
I have never actually seen a yellow duck.
What doesn't kill you will mess you up mentally.
If you are what you eat then I need to eat a skinny person.
I wish school started at like... never.
Things I'm bad at: singing. Things I do all the time: sing.
If only stress could burn calories.
I flip when people say “you’ve barely touched your food” like what do you want me to do, stroke it?
I don't hold grudges. I remember the facts.
I stay up late every night, regret it every morning, and then do it all over again.
Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.
Teacher: "From all this talking, I assume you're done." Me: "From all this complaining, I assume you're single."
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: Jim had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass…
If your ex texts you, he probably tried to replace you, and failed.
Guys think all girls dream about finding the perfect guy… when in fact all girls dream about eating without getting fat.
IF THIS IS YELLING!!!!!! ... WhAt ThE heCk dOeS tHiS sOuNd LiKe???
Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrument of death* then "Your gums are bleeding because you don't floss."
Age 8: "Go to Bed!" "NOO!" Age 15: "Get Up!" "NOO!!"
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry.
Spin the bottle is a lot like Russian roulette, if there's an ugly person there.
Smart phones, smart cars, smart televisions... when are they going to make smart people?
Oh you're dating my ex? Come by on Thanksgiving if you want anymore leftovers.
Shortest horror story: Monday.