WITTY QUIPS, QUOTES, SAYINGS AND PROVERBS

Below you'll find a selection of the wittiest quotes, fun sayings and witty quips on this planet. Over 500 extremely witty thoughts uttered by people famous for their wicked sense of humor and wit. Whether wit can be associated with highly intelligent or highly frustrated people is debatable in my opinion, but they are all fun people with a sense of humor nonetheless!

What is "wit"? Wit is the ability to give clever, thought provoking comments in a very straight forward way that will induce laughter. Wit is an interesting, fun, pleasing skill that entertains as much as it teaches. Funny sayings with a little brainy thought behind them in other words.
What is the difference between wit and sarcasm?
Wit says it as it is in a clever fun way.
Sarcasm is an open ended statement intended to hurt or damage, mostly said in such a way that you have to figure it out for yourself. Not so clever and also called "the lowest form of wit".
Sarcasm and wit, divided by a thin line, you decide how you see each one on this witty quips list.

Enough wobbling around... here they are!

Favorite Witty Quips, Quotes, Sayings and Proverbs:

In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left - Winston Churchill. (Witty Quips Leader)

We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm - Winston Churchill.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W. C. Fields

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they turn it into TV shows - Woody Allen.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange - Fred Allen.

I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark - Duncan Spaeth.

Better to light a candle than curse the darkness - Chinese Proverb.

France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper - Billy Wilder.

Ireland - One race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever - Sigmund Freud.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way – Henny Youngman.

My children love my mother and I tell my children: "That is not the same woman I grew up with, that is an old woman trying to get into heaven now." - Bill Cosby

For your information, I would like to ask a question - Samuel Goldwyn.

Anger can be an expensive luxury - Italian Proverb

Get out of your cocoon butterfly come fly with me - Gilliana De Angelis.

Life is a song; sing along, create a new tune or get out of the the play - Gilliana De Angelis. (Witty Quips Angel)

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city - George Burns.

Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood – H. L. Mencken.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens - Woody Allen.

The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all – Leo Buscaglia.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them - P. J. O'Rourke.

The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them - Albert Einstein.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out? - Will Rogers.

I was very unpopular as a child, not even the neighbor’s kids imaginary friends wanted to befriend me, don't let people affect you – Gilliana De Angelis.

Her only flair is in her nostrils - Pauline Kael.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please - Mark Twain.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done – George Bernard Shaw (The Father of Witty Quips)

What does not kill me makes me stronger – Goethe.

Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible - Frank Zappa.

The only time my education was interrupted was when I was in school - George Bernard Shaw.

The secret of success is to offend the greatest number of people - George Bernard Shaw.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home - Bill Cosby. (Witty Quips Funny Dad)

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth - George Bernard Shaw.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. – Ann Landers

When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity; when many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion - Robert Pirsig

If one has not given everything, one has given nothing. – Georges Guynemer.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally - W. C. Fields.

The beginning is the most important part of the work - Plato.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake - Napoleon Bonaparte.

Democracy is the worst system devised by wit of man, except for all the others – Winston Churchill. (Witty Quips Leader)

Sometimes you gotta create what you want to be a part of - Geri Weitzman.

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot - Oscar Wilde.

Africa is the country with the most creative people and the most parasites living off of their creativity. Time to inject that creativity with poison – Gilliana De Angelis.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception - Groucho Marx (Witty Quips Master).

If you choose not to decide – you still have made a choice! – Neil Peart.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry - Bill Cosby

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon - Groucho Marx. (Witty Quips Master)

She is a peacock in everything but beauty - Oscar Wild.

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand - Saul Bellow.

“If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” – Albert Einstein. (Witty Quips Genius)

The equation for ego is: One over Knowledge. - Albert Einstein

A little learning is a dangerous thing, but a lot of ignorance is just as bad – Bob Edwards.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink - Joe E. Lewis.

I have never killed anyone, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction - Clarence Darrow.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid - George Bernard Shaw. (The Father of Witty Quips)

I'd like to start a religion. That's where the money is - L. Ron Hubbard.

If you think education is expensive, try Ignorance – Andy McIntyre.

If more Americans smoked there would be less fat wise cracks in the US – Gilliana De Angelis.

The USA is the only country in the world where I’ve seen that therapy is so in demand that even the therapists have therapists – Gilliana De Angelis. (Witty Quips Angel)

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there – Will Rogers.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters - Frank Lloyd Wright.

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off - Groucho Marx.

The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else - Witty Saying.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? - Mark Twain.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about – Oscar Wilde.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell - Aldous Huxley.

The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter - Winston Churchill. (Witty Quips Leader)

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty - Imelda Marcos.

The fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education - George Bernard Shaw. (The Father of Witty Quips)

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food - W. C. Fields.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it - Groucho Marx.

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one - George Bernard Shaw.

There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true - Winston Churchill (Witty Quips Leader).

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative - Winston Churchill.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running - Groucho Marx.

I still think God is cool but He was the last man to let me down - Gilliana De Angelis.

Everything you can imagine is real - Picasso.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths - Steven Wright.

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you - Satchel Paige.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down - Jimmy Durante.

Learning is not compulsory… neither is survival – W. Edwards Deming.

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife - David Ogilvy.

It took me forty years to understand that “no answers” means the worst is happening - Gilliana De Angelis.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up – Woody Allen.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe - Albert Einstein.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience - George Bernard Shaw. (The Father of Witty Quips)

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect - Alanis Morissette.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life - Frank Zappa.

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means - George Bernard Shaw.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them – Harry S Truman.

Never turn your back on a charging turtle - Witty Saying.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough - Mario Andretti.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby - Natalie Wood.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice - Bill Cosby (Witty Quips Fun Instructor).

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height - Casey Stengel.

Every man is the architect of his own fortune – Appius Claudius.

You can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do – Henry Ford

That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria! – Calvin

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed - George Burns.

Electricity is really just organized lightning - George Carlin.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure - that is all that agnosticism means - Clarence Darrow.

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches - George Bernard Shaw (The Father of Witty Quips).

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse - Groucho Marx.

Teflon brain (nothing sticks) - Lily Tomlin.

There are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something – Thomas A. Edison.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win - Mahatma Gandhi.

Useless as a pulled tooth - Mary Roberts Rinehart.

Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment – Rita Mae Brown.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price? - David Letterman.

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement - Fred Allen.

You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving - David Letterman. (Witty Quips Tease)

Jazz: Music invented for the torture of imbeciles - Henry Van Dyke.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher - Socrates

Debating against him is no fun, say something insulting and he looks at you like a whipped dog - Harold Wilson.

He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front - Leonard Louis Levinson.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator - John Bright.

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others - Samuel Johnson.

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up - Paul Keating.

He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time - Eugene Field.

He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp - Kate Cruise O'Brien.

He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes - Molly Ivins.

He was trying to save both his faces - John Gunther.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it - E. B. White.

Humor is reason gone mad - Groucho Marx.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't - Erica Jong.

Common sense and a sense of humor is the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing - William James.

He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code - Earl Wilson.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance - George Bernard Shaw. (The Father of Witty Quips)

I will always love the false image I had of you - Ashleigh Brilliant.

Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid - Heinrich Heine.

He is a man of splendid abilities but utterly corrupt. He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight - John Randolph.

He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged - Simone Signoret.

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man - George Bernard Shaw.

He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them - Charles Kingsley.

He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep - Dorothy Eden.

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast - W. S. Gilbert.

She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did - Ada Leverson.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel - Maya Angelou.

She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers - Alexander Woollcott.

She's been on more laps than a napkin - Walter Winchell.

She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together - John Cantu.

She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong - Mae West (Witty Quips Devil).

She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression - C. S. Lewis.

She has been kissed as often as a court Bible, and by much the same class of people - Robertson Davies.

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake - Margot Asquith.

She's descended from a long line her mother listened to - Gypsy Rose Lee.

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation - Jean Webster.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them - Samuel Palmer.

She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens - Michael Arlen.

She is a water bug on the surface of life - Gloria Steinem.

She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious - W. Somerset Maugham.

In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority - Ellen Glascow.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows - Aristotle Onassis.

He is as good as his word - and his word is no good - Seamus MacManus.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny - Guy Davenport.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time - Charles M. Schulz.

Don’t argue about the difficulties. The difficulties will argue for themselves – Winston Churchill (Witty Quips Leader)

It’s not that I’m so smart , it’s just that I stay with problems longer – Albert Einstein

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it - George Bernard Shaw. (The Father of Witty Quips)

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire - Winston Churchill.

He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him - Herbert Beerbohm Tree.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death - H. H. Munro.

He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease - Henry James.

He had double chins all the way down to his stomach - Mark Twain.

He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating - Ayn Rand.

Slow as next-day delivery in a nanosecond world - Van Jacobson.

No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers - Rob Wagner.

This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be hurled with great force - Dorothy Parker.

Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write - A. E. Housman.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board - Mark Twain.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong - Buckminster Fuller.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate - Johnny Carson.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin - Fred Allen.

A joke is a very serious thing - Winston Churchill. (Witty Quips Leader)

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite - Paul Dirac.

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road - Henry Ward Beecher.

A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself - Jessamyn West.

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life - William Arthur Ward.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end - Sid Caesar.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience - W.B. Prescott

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn - Irvin S. Cobb.

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals - Agnes Repplier.

Humor is just another defense against the universe - Mel Brooks.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing - Mark Twain.

Do you know what a pessimist is? A person who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it - George Bernard Shaw.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid - George Bernard Shaw.

A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits - Edith Sitwell.

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally - Oscar Wilde.

He'd make a lovely corpse - Charles Dickens.

Her face was her chaperone - Rupert Hughes.

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak - Woody Allen.

You use a glass mirror to see your face: you use works of art to see your soul - George Bernard Shaw. (The Father of Witty Quips)

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it - Groucho Marx. (Witty Quips Master)

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located? - Ashleigh Brilliant.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people - Lucille S. Harper.

He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright - Samuel Butler.

He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style - Leo Tolstoy.

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him - Forrest Tucker.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known - Walt Disney

He knows so little and knows it so fluently - Ellen Glasgow.

He is brilliant - to the top of his boots - David Lloyd George.

He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong - Benjamin Disraeli.

He is so stupid you can't trust him with an idea - John Steinbeck.

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons- Robin Williams (Indicating someone is stupid).

His face was filled with broken commandments- John Masefield.

He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages - Mark Twain.

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses - Elizabeth Taylor. (Witty Quips First Lady)

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman - Maryon Pearson.

He who hesitates is a damned fool - Mae West.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater - Gail Godwin.

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs - Christopher Morley.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious - Peter Ustinov.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven - Mark Twain.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty - Sacha Guitry.

Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges - Thomas W. Higginson.

Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding - Agnes Repplier.

A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post - Tom Waits.

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair - Josh Billing.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime - Honore de Balzac.

The 100% American is 99% idiot - George Bernard Shaw.

He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop - Sydney Smith.

Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered - Al.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung - Voltaire.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more - James Thurber.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog - Harry S. Truman.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you - Carl Gustav Jung.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory - Ingrid Bergman.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure - Ross MacDonald.

Write drunk; edit sober - Ernest Hemingway.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time - Robin Williams, commenting on the Clinton/Lewinsky affair.

I worship the quicksand he walks in - Art Buchwald.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them - Mark Twain.

You're only as good as your last haircut - Fran Lebowitz.

He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met - William Faulkner.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx. (Witty Quips Master)

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind – Albert Einstein (Witty Quips Genius).

The perfection of rottenness - William James.

She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache - Noel Coward.

My inner child is not wounded - Shannen Doherty.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare - Mike Myers.

Never fight an inanimate object - P. J. O'Rourke.

Never floss with a stranger - Joan Rivers.

Never have more children than you have car windows - Erma Bombeck.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected - Robert Orben.

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles - Mignon McLaughlin.

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself - Clifton Paul Fadiman.

A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life - Hugh Sidey.

Never wear anything that panics the cat - P. J. O'Rourke.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public - H. L. Mencken.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet - Saint Augustine.

Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food - George Bernard Shaw.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get - Robert Orben.

One man's folly is another man's wife - Helen Rowland.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it - Laurence J. Peter.

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf - Lewis Mumford.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children - Samuel Butler.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish - Chevy Chase.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant - Ellen DeGeneres.

That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them - Dorothy Parker.

The finest woman that ever walked the streets - Mae West.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess - Dennis Miller.

You had to stand in line to hate him - Hedda Hopper.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well - Robert Benchley.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend - Emo Philips.

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic - Spike Milligan.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings - Jay London.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is - Ellen DeGeneres (Witty Quips Hot Shot).

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago - Will Rogers.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it - Mitch Hedberg.

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way - Carl Sandburg.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted - Mae West.

You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear - Mark Twain.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult - Rita Rudner.

You're a mouse studying to be a rat - Wilson Mizner.

That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting - Douglas Adams.

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge - Thomas Brackett Reed.

What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You! - from "Murphy Brown".

Wine is bottled poetry – Robert Louis Stevenson.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style - Quentin Crisp.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor - Joan Rivers.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? - Lily Tomlin.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job - Woody Allen.

Get out of your cocoon butterfly come fly with me - Gilliana De Angelis. (Witty Quips Angel)

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others - Winston Churchill.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome - Oscar Levant.

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork - Mae West. (Witty Quips Devil)

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest - Steven Pearl.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? - Lily Tomlin.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three - Laurence J. Peter.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer - Yogi Berra.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first - George Carlin.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk - Rita Rudner.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes - Jay London.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate - Dave Barry.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man - H. L. Mencken.

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers - P. J. O'Rourke.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you - Katharine Hepburn.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music - Groucho Marx. (Witty Quips Master)

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative - Henry A. Kissinger.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons - Woody Allen.

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him - Marlene Dietrich.

I'm not the first woman who realized at the age of 40 that I would never drive thru Paris in a Sports car, dumped the need for wrong bad men, then went off and did just that! - Gilliana De Angelis.

If a man lets you down badly, walk away and bask in the sunlight of his suffering with a pomegranate daiquiri in hand – Gilliana De Angelis

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing - Emo Philips.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them - Mitch Hedberg.

Fine words! I wonder where you stole them - Jonathan Swift.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it - Mark Twain.

I thought men like that shot themselves - King George V.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me - Fred Allen.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit – Shakespeare.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full – Henry Kissinger.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it - Groucho Marx. (Witty Quips Master)

I never liked him and I always will - Dave Clark.

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here - Stephen Bishop.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury – George Burns.

Great people are those who can make others feel that they, too, can become great. – Mark Twain

All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it – Samuel Butler.

The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking – Albert Einstein. (Witty Quips Genius)

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight - Mark Twain.

Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life - Ivy Compton-Burnett.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it - Moses Hadas.

The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of character - Lyndon Johnson.

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put arsenic in your morning coffee. Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.

Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk! Winston Churchill: And Madam, you are ugly. And tomorrow, I’ll be sober, and you will still be ugly.

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault - Ashleigh Brilliant.

What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank - Liberace. (Witty Quips Golden Fingers)

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? - Milton Berle.

You have delighted us long enough - Jane Austen

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young - Jim Samuels.

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after – Slovenian proverb.

Imagination is more important than knowledge – Albert Einstein. (Witty Quips Genius)

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain - Martin Mull.

No man’s knowledge here can go beyond his experience – John Locke.

The first rule to tinkering is to save all the parts – Paul Erlich.

A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject – Winston Churchill.

Golf is a good walk spoiled - Mark Twain.

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic - George Bernard Shaw.

No pressure, no diamonds – Mary Case.

I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork - Irving Brecher.

He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity - Mark Twain.

If there's anything disgusting about the movie business, it's the whoredom of my peers - Sean Penn.

Yeah, she's beautiful, but you can't find her IQ with a flashlight - from "The Greatest American Hero"

As entertaining as watching a potato bake - Marc Savlov (about the movie, Taxi).

The characters are so flat and the dialogue so dull you expect it to be one of those movies whose existence is justified by a big final twist. But it's three days after the screening, and still no twist. Maybe it's coming in the mail? - Kyle Smith (about the movie, The Jacket).

Here's where we we get out the thesaurus and look up synonyms for "garbage." - Mike LaSalle (about the movie, Shanghai Knights).

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you - Groucho Marx.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go - Oscar Wilde. (Witty Quips Wiz)

Some folks are wise and some are otherwise - Tobias George Smolett.

My mother thought she was an avid gardener but she made everything around her die, including the fake plants - Gilliana DeAngelis

A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life - Charles Darwin.

Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out - Anton Chekhov.

I can't change men but I can make sure my boys turn out the men I would have liked to have in my life - Gilliana De Angelis.

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact - William James.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first - Mark Twain.

Everything in life is luck - Donald Trump. (Witty Quips Mogul)

Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist - Karen Horney.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny - Garrison Keillor.

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how - Friedrich Nietzsche.

Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't - Richard Bach.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day - E. B. White.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches - Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

I love life because what more is there - Anthony Hopkins.

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see - John Burroughs

I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it - Charles M. Schulz.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on - Robert Frost.

It is not length of life, but depth of life - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

If you are a dreamer dream big otherwise stop wasting your time - Gilliana De Angelis. (Witty Quips Angel)

Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well - Josh Billings.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh - George Bernard Shaw. (Witty Quips Master)

Life has meaning only if one barters it day by day for something other than itself - Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor - Sholom Aleichem.

Life is a long lesson in humility - James M. Barrie.

Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be - Jose Ortega y Gasset.

Life is but thought - Sara Teasdale.

Life is half spent before we know what it is - George Herbert.

Life is never easy for those who dream - Robert James Waller.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep - Fran Lebowitz.

Life is wasted on the living - Douglas Adams.

Life itself still remains a very effective therapist - Karen Horney. (Witty Quips Therapist)

Life loves the liver of it - Maya Angelou.

Life must be lived as play - Plato.

Life well spent is long - Leonardo da Vinci. (Witty Quips Paint Brush)

Like all sciences and all valuations, the psychology of women has hitherto been considered only from the point of view of men - Karen Horney. (Witty Quips Therapist)

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way round - David Lodge.

The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line - H. L. Mencken.

The fear of life is the favorite disease of the 20th century - William Phelps.

The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it - William James.

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation - Henry David Thoreau.

The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization - Karen Horney.

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it - Henry David Thoreau.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose - Robert Byrne.

There is no wealth but life - John Ruskin.

There is only one difference between a long life and a good dinner: that, in the dinner, the sweets come last - Robert Louis Stevenson.

This life is worth living, we can say, since it is what we make it - William James.

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else - Emily Dickinson.

Unbeing dead isn't being alive - E. Cummings.

Wars and elections are both too big and too small to matter in the long run. The daily work - that goes on, it adds up - Barbara Kingsolver.

We can't plan life. All we can do is be available for it - Lauryn Hill.

What we play is life - Louis Armstrong.

He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance - Witty Saying.

I live by: keep it light, keep it clean, keep it simple and keep it fun! - Gilliana De Angelis.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me" - Erma Bombeck.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained - Mark Twain.

While there's life, there's hope - Marcus Tullius Cicero.

WITTY QUIPS ABOUT LIFE, LOVE & MARRIAGE

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies - Erich Fromm.

You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave - Quentin Crisp.

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life - Albert Camus.

Your life is what your thoughts make it - Marcus Aurelius.

Wise men may not be learned; learned men may not be wise - Chinese Proverb.

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together - James H. Boren.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband - Michel de Montaigne.

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted - Helen Rowland.

A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it - John Steinbeck.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished - Zsa Zsa Gabor (Witty Quips Mistress).

A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing - W. Somerset Maugham.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married - H. L. Mencken.

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing - Joey Adams.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person - Mignon McLaughlin.

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year - Paul Sweeney.

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers - Grace Hansen.

If you marry a monkey for his wealth, the money goes and the monkey remains as is - Egyptian Proverb.

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble - Raymond Hull

Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage - Sydney J. Harris.

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences - Isadora Duncan.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too - H. L. Mencken.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens? - Alan King.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him - Marilyn Monroe.

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left - Jean Kerr.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her - Ambrose Bierce.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means - Henny Youngman.

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without - James C. Dobson.

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do - Zsa Zsa Gabor. (Witty Quips Mistress)

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of - Mae West.

If you think wining woman are bad try put up with a wining man for a day - Gilliana De Angelis.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being - Oscar Wilde. (Witty Quips Mad Man)

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all - Lord Byron.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it - Lyndon B. Johnson.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life - Rita Rudner.

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year - Bette Davis. (Witty Quips Cleva Gal)

I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out - Lee Grant.

If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it resembles friendship rather than love - Michel de Montaigne.

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping - Mignon McLaughlin.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books - Alan King.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married - Katharine Hepburn (Witty Quips Master).

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage - Robert Anderson.

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued - Helen Rowland.

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being - Benjamin Disraeli.

It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others - Helen Rowland.

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married - Robert Frost.

Love is often the fruit of marriage - Moliere.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage - Ambrose Bierce.

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl - Stephen Leacock.

Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose - Beverley Nichols.

Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she's a householder - Thornton Wilder.

Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner - Charles Caleb Colton.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution - Mae West (Witty Quips Devil).

Marriage is a mistake every man should make - George Jessel.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho Marx (Witty Quips Master).

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit - Billy Connolly.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war - Gilbert K. Chesterton.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open - George Bernard Shaw. (Witty Quips Master)

Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night - St. Jerome.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest - Irwin Corey.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers - Alan King.

Marriage is not about age; it's about finding the right person - Sophia Bush.

Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance - Michel de Montaigne.

Marriage, like money, is still with us; and, like money, progressively devalued - Robert Graves.

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two - Ambrose Bierce.

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage" - Herbert Spencer.

Only marry a man with a greater love for your causes than you have - Gilliana De Angelis.

If you can't find someone who loves you for the best and the worst of you, don't waste your time - Gilliana De Angelis.

Marriage is much overrated and much underpaid - if you pay my causes well I will get married again - Gilliana De Angelis.

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it - Josh Billings.

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier - H. L. Mencken.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry - Rita Rudner.

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse - Doug Larson.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher - Socrates.

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you - Jean Rostand.

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake - Elbert Hubbard.

Never get married in the morning - you never know who you might meet that night - Paul Hornung.

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married - Benjamin Disraeli.

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single - H. L. Mencken.

On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable - Emma Goldman.

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again - Judith Viorst.

One should believe in marriage as in the immortality of the soul - Honore de Balzac.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth - Umberto Eco

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment - Buddha

Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman - Joseph Joubert.

One of the most important things to learn is when to quit while you're ahead - Witty saying.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does - Groucho Marx. (Witty Quips Master)

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then - Katharine Hepburn.

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him - H. L. Mencken.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less - Brendan Behan.

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly - Peter De Vries.

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep - A. P. Herbert.

The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character - Peter De Vries.

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public - George Jessel.

I wanted to be a Rock Star when I was young, missed the star and ended up being a Rock-A-My Baby, crashing down when the height and the shade of my family tree no longer protected me – Gilliana De Angelis.

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin - Honore de Balzac.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret - Henny Youngman.

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle - Heinrich Heine.

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one - Helen Rowland.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife - Prince Philip (Witty Quips Master Gone Wrong).

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her - Sacha Guitry.

When a marriage works, nothing on earth can take its place - Helen Gahagan.

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage - Benjamin Franklin.

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbra Streisand (Witty Quips Golden Girl).

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet - Alan King.

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others - Kin Hubbard.

No idea why they call it an “accident” when it always involves ONE person acting stupid. Imagine a world with labeled stupid people that will warn us of the risks – imagine our insurance premium savings – Gilliana De Angelis.

What a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other - Neil Simon.

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on - Henry Ellis.

Humor is the affectionate communication of insight - Leo Rosten.

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully - Max Eastman.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor - Edward Albee.

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it - Frank Howard Clark.

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide - Mohandas Gandhi.

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor - Jennifer Jones.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is - Francis Bacon.

Every man dies. Not every man really lives - William Wallace.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live - Jean-Paul Sartre.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often - Oliver Herford.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one - W. C. Fields.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid - Hedy Lamarr.

He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it - Joseph Heller.

Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive - Mel Brooks.

May you live every day of your life - Jonathan Swift.

You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind - Irish Proverb.

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets - Arthur Miller.

My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can - Cary Grant.

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself - Harvey Fierstein.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious - Brendan Gill.

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much - Mother Teresa (Witty Quips Saint)

Not life, but good life, is to be chiefly valued - Socrates.

Cowards have dreams, brave men have visions - Chinese Proverb.

Only a few things are really important - Marie Dressler.

People living deeply have no fear of death - Anais Nin.

I find all the things I’ve never said utterly rewarding – Gilliana De Angelis. (Witty Quips Angel)

The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing - Marcus Aurelius.

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career - George Bernard Shaw. (Witty Quips Master)

You can’t be truly rude until you understand good manners – Rita Mae Brown.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before - Mae West (Witty Quips Devil).

Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance – Anonymous (Definitely a Witty Quips Master this guy is so famous).

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler – Albert Einstein. (Witty Quips Genius)

Necessity is the mother of invention. – Plato (Witty Quips Master)

Witty quips are as much a part of fun stuff to do, as fun is a part of the people who first said them (whether they like it or not!).

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