CLEAN JOKES 
Funny ONE-liners

New Generation clean jokes. Quick and snappy, WITH-IT and to-the-point faster than you can think! The upside of clean, short, funny jokes is this:
You can use them anywhere with confidence!

HERE WE GO... clap, clap, clap!

101 CLEAN JOKES YOU'LL WANT TO READ TWICE

Well by read twice, I mean it's up to you whether you want to or have to. {Smile}

1. My bank sent me a letter saying it's the last time they will spend 50 cents to tell me I have 2 cents in my account.
2. Is the baby a boy or a girl? Of course, what else could it be!
3. It took me a whole year to write this book. Silly, you can buy one for $5 in one minute.
4. Boxer: "Have I done him any damage?" "No, but keep on swinging the draft might give him a cold."
5. The boss said if my work doesn't improve he'll fire me. He can't because I don't do anything!
6. I would go through many things for you. Let's start with your bank account.
7. Rembrandt painted 700 pictures in his life time and Americans have all 7000 of them.
8. I just flew in from New York. Shame, your arms must be tired.
9. They say the baby looks like me. Then they turned him upside-down.
10. We feed our baby onions so we can find him in the dark at night.
11. I was a premature baby. My father wasn't expecting me.
12. Our baby was so big when he was born, the doctor was afraid to slap him.
13. Our baby swallowed a pin. Luckily it was a safety pin.
14. Were there any great men born in this town? No only little babies.
15. Is your husband helping you with the baby? Sure, he takes naps for the baby.
16. The bank has returned your check. "Great. What can we buy with it this time?"
17. At her age the only way she'll get 9 men to run after her is to play baseball!
18. Do you serve woman at this bar? No sir, you must bring your own.
19. I wanted to give you something you need but I didn't know how to wrap up a bath tub.
20. My doctor said I must bathe in milk but I couldn't get into the bottle. CLEAN JOKES FAVORITE!
21. Drink a glass of milk after a hot bath. No doctor, I don't think I'll have space left.
22. Do you call that a bathing suite? It looks like they haven't delivered it yet!
23. I've just come from the beauty salon. He: Too bad they were closed.
24. My wife found a Hair Salon with a recovery room and family counseling.
25. My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like hawk.
26. He never forgets his wife's birthday. It's the day the ambulance usually picks him up from work.
27. I was born on the 1st of the month, so they called me Bill!
28. When is it your birthday, I would like to get you a present! You are way too late. I was born many years ago.
29. He stayed up all night studying for his blood test.
30. He thought he was clever because his blood test results said A+.
31. She waited so long for her ship to come in her pier collapsed.
32. Heard about the little tug boat that committed suicide when he discovered that his mom was a tramp and his father was a ferry.
33. Quick operator send an S.O.S! How do you spell that?
34. I can't give him a book as a gift. He may already have one.
35. I read her like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.
36. Some of today's movies are so long, it takes less time to read the book.
37. Are you an avid reader? No I've never read avid.
38. So is your husband a bookworm too? No just an ordinary one.
39. Have you ever read a book by Shakespeare? No only by candlelight.
40. How did you like my book? Good, but a bit too long in the middle.
41. If looks could kill a lot of people would die with bridge cards in their hands!
42. It's amazing what fine poker hands I get when I play bridge.
43. She's been married so many times that wedding bells sound like an alarm clock to her.
44. I heard you and Nita aren't dating any more? Yes she began to have bride ideas.
45. She walked to the altar so many times, they're trying to make her pay for the carpet.
46. I'm not late boss, I just took my coffee break before coming in.
47. Boss, I'm now saving my coffee breaks. When I have enough together I'm taking Friday off. 
48. My friend told me an onion is the only vegetable that makes you cry, so I threw him with a pumpkin.
49. My wife called me a Flamingo. I asked why? She said I never put my foot down!
50. What did the one DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
51. I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
52. What's a frog's favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals.
53. Do you know the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
54. Blunt pencils are really pointless.
55. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
56. Two Wi-Fi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
57. I just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making one scene.
58. One cow didn't produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
59. The future, the present and the past walk into a bar. Things got a bit tense.
60. That kid has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.
61. What do you call bears without ears? B
62. Someone asked me if I got a haircut. I said, “No. I got them all cut.”
63. My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
64. Did you hear about the girl who got fired from the calendar factory? She took a day off.
65. Why don't physicists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
66. What's the easiest way to catch a fish? Ask someone to throw it to you.
67. I met a giant once. I didn't know what to say, so I used big words.
68. A horse walks into a diner. The host says, “Hey!” The horse says, “You read my mind!”
69. If police arrest a mime, must they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
70. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. 
71. I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough. 
72. I used to be addicted to soap, but I am clean now.
73. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
74. I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it.
75. I used to play piano by ear, now I use my hands.
76. I complained I have so much time on my hands. Therapist told me to put the clock down.
77. Why couldn't the pony sing a lullaby?
    She was a little horse.
78. What was the first animal in space?
    The cow that jumped over the moon.
79. What did the banana say to the dog?
    Bananas can't talk.
80. How do you make an octopus laugh?
    With ten-tickles.
81. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
82. Where does a winemaker get his gossip? Through the grapevine.
83. What did one physicist say to the other? I've got my ion you.
84. Where do sheep get haircuts? At the baa-baa shop.
85. What's the easiest way to get straight A's in school? Use a ruler.
86. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To reach the bottom.
87. What do you call an old snowman? A puddle of water.
88. Who eats snails? People who don't like fast food.
89. What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge.
90. Which animals in the sea are the strongest? Mussels.
91. Why didn't the lamp sink? It was too light.
92. What building in New York has the most stories? The public library.
93. What has three letters and starts with gas? A car.
94. How do you catch a squirrel? Act like a nut.
95. Why is the guitar on sale? No strings attached.
96. The problem isn't that obesity runs in our family. No one runs in our family.
97. Of course I wouldn’t say anything about her unless I could say something good. And, oh boy, is this good!
98. I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me were furious.
99. There is the speed of light. What’s the speed of dark?
100. The sign says 24-hour banking. Who's got that much money to bank?
101. What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't-opener!

RECOMMENDED SHORT JOKES

Clean jokes are so much fun! Short Clean Jokes are even better!Here is another collection you can read on our site now, that everyone loves! Applause welcomed!

> SHORT JOKES - FROM THE LAUGH FACTORY

"You know Helen, my husband says he knows where woman are made..."
"WHERE?"
"At FATTIES & MOANIES"
"Do you think he meant we look Italian?"

CLEAN JOKE CARDS AND ENVELOPES

Do you add funny cards with you gifts? Well good!

If not you're in for a treat if you would love to spread some laughter with your gifts.

36 x Funny cards with envelopes in each set (size 5x7"), and there are 12 categories to choose from, so that you never run out of giving appropriate laughs! 

Check them out here!

ADD SHORT CLEAN JOKES FOR OUR READERS

Follow the link below and entertain our followers with your own clean jokes. You can't add one joke, it won't be published, you have to add at least 10 jokes, that are not on the site yet.

If you published a short joke book, you may jot some of your content down here and place a link to your book, if it is of high quality and off course funny, we may promote it for you after consideration!

Add Your Clean Short Jokes Here!

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