List Of Quips About Money

The list of quips about money includes quips about money and money related topics such as: Banks, Budgets, Cost of Living, Debt, Gambling, Inflation, Internal Revenue, Installment Plans, Las Vegas, Life Insurance, Money, Retirement, Riches, Stinginess, Success, Taxes, Unemployment, Vacation, Wages and Wealth.
Some funny but mostly for real - Money Talks!

First the main one MONEY, the rest are in alphabetical order.

Money

• By the time a man can truly afford to buy one of those fast little sports cars, he is too fat to get into it.
• A new car is not a barometer of how much money a fellow has, but it's a pretty good indication (x5) what he owes.
• Having a big car doesn't always mean you have money, it can mean you once had money.
• Married men can't understand why every bachelor is not a multi millionaire.
• The only difference between a "hair stylist" and a barber is the price.
• The one book that always has a sad ending is a checkbook.
• A family budget is a device that makes you worry about money before you earn it.
• A balanced budget is when the money and the month run out together.
• There are many nerves in the human body, the most sensitive is the one that goes from the brain to the pocket.
• Nothing irks the college boy more than opening the envelope from home and finding nothing but news and love.
• Debts are about the only thing we can acquire without money.
• The poor complain about the money they can't get and the rich complain about the money they can't keep.
• We could get along better with fewer economists and more economizers.
• The exercise that wears most people out is running out of cash.
• Fools sometimes make money but money also sometimes makes fools.
• A friend you can buy can be bought from you.
• Support the church with your money. You can't take it with you but you can send it on ahead.
• There are a lot more counterfeit men than money in this country.
• Laziness is like money - the more a man has of it the more he wants.
• Many seem more concerned about making money than earning it.
• Money brings happiness to those who find happiness earning it.
• A dime is a dollar with all the various taxes deducted.
• If you want to know the value of money, try and borrow it.
• Most people's financial problems are simple. They're short of money.
• Money is like knowledge - the more you have the less you need to brag.
• The best thing that parents can spend on their kids is time - not money.
• Money talks - Credit echoes

List Of Quips About Money: Topics

Banks

• Bank interest on a loan is so high, if you can afford to pay it you don't need the loan.
• A Bank is a financial institution where you can borrow money if you can present enough evidence to show that you don't need it.
• Drive-in banks were established so that automobiles could see their real owners occasionally.
• A bank is a place where you can keep the government's money until the IRS asks for it.
• Some banks guarantee maximum interest rates for several years which is more than a marriage license can do.

Budgets

• A budget enables you to spend money without enjoying it.
• A budget is an orderly way of discovering that you can't live on what you are earning.
• Balance your budget - rotate your creditors!
• A budget is an attempt to live below your yearnings.

• Many people say a budget is a form of fiction that seldom turns out right in the end.

Cost of Living

• Every year the cars get lower and wider and the payments longer and higher.
• It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
• You look at prices today and the only thing you can get more of for a dollar is mad.
• Prices seem to think there is plenty of room at the top.
• It food prices go any higher toothpicks may become a status symbol.
• At today's prices spilt milk is worth crying over.
• It's not coffee that keeps you awake these days, it's the price of it.

Debt

• If you don't go into debt these days, you are probably doing something illegal.
• Debt is like quicksand, and just about as hard to get out of.
• It is quick to run into debt - takes a long time to crawl out.
• Most people have more debts than common sense.
• They ought to make it as hard to get into debt as it is to get out of it.
• Some friends stick together until 'debt do them part'.
• Yesterday's luxuries are today's debts.
• If you are not in style, the chances are you're out of debt.
• Let's be thankful we do not have to pay taxes on our debts.

Gambling

• A racehorse can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.
• Gambling is just plain stealing by mutual consent.
• Never bet on a sure thing, unless you can afford to lose.
• Gamblers are like toilets - broke one day and flush the next.
• The best throw of the dice is to throw it away.
• All forms of gambling are frowned upon by preachers - except marriage.
• A slot machine is a steel trap for catching dumb animals.
• Every man has three secret wishes - to outsmart racehorses, woman and fish.

Inflation

• Inflation created a new law of gravity - what goes up gets us down.
• You know inflation is getting worse when they sell apples on the street - by the bite.
• No matter where you go these days, you'll find inflation got there first.
• The 'good old days' were when inflation was something you did to a balloon.
• Inflation is when 'petty cash' is the only kind there is.
• Inflation is when you can buy ten cents worth of anything for thirty cents.
• If you plan to teach your children the value of a dollar, you'll have to do it awfully fast.
• Note on inflation: The best time to buy anything is about a year ago.
• Have you found a penny in the street lately? It was probably a dime when someone dropped it.
• The salary we use to dream of is the one we can't live on today.

List Of Quips About Money: More Topics

Installment Plans

• Old-timers well remember when a family couldn't afford to own a car, they didn't.
• You can't pay cash for wisdom. It comes to you via installment plan.
• Wealthy people miss one of the greatest thrills of life - paying the last installment.
• Prosperity is that short period of time between the final installment and the next purchase.
• Things bought on convenient terms always fall due at inconvenient times.
• Homes and cars are built with every known convenience except low payments.

Internal Revenue Service

• The Lord giveth and the IRS taketh away.
• The IRS must love poor people - it makes so many of them.
• A man owes it to himself to become successful. Once successful, he owes it to the IRS.
• The first person to say: 'You can't take it with you' was probably a representative from the IRS.

• The IRS received a bunch of buttons in the post with this note: You got the shirt last year.

Las Vegas

• Why not spend your vacation in Las Vegas? You can't beat the sunshine, the climate or the slot machines.
• Visitors to Las Vegas are divided into two groups - the HAVES and the HADS.
• Las Vegas is a place where people go broke trying to get rich.
• Almost everybody gets married while in Las Vegas. They figure while they are on a losing streak they might as well go all the way.
• In case of an air raid, find the nearest slot machine. It hasn't been hit in years.

Life Insurance

• Life insurance keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.
• Life insurance is the last thing a man wants in life, but it's too late then.
• Honesty may be the best policy, but life insurance is more satisfactory to the widow.
• A life insurance agent is the most dependable fortuneteller in life. He tells you exactly what is going to happen and it does.
• A Widow remarked that her husband was a total loss - he died without life insurance.

Retirement

• Retirement can be a great joy if you can figure out how to spend time without spending money.
• The key to a happy retirement is to have enough money to live on, but not enough to worry about.
• We have reached the point where too many people want to retire before they have gone to work.
• Many a retired husband becomes his wife's full time job.
• Retirement has cured many a businessman's ulcers - and given his wife one.
• Retirement is wonderful if you have two essentials - much to live on and much to live for.
• One of the problems of retirement is that it gives you more time to read about the problems of retirement.

Riches

• He loved that girl so much he worshipped the ground her father discovered oil on.
• It's not a sin to be rich - it's a miracle.
• It's better to live richly, than to die rich.
• Once people wanted to be rich, but now they seem satisfied just to live as if they were.
• Whatever it is that keeps people from getting rich, most of us have it.
• No amount of riches can atone for poverty of character.
• In your search for riches, don't lose the things that money can't buy.
• It is what we value, not what we have, that makes us rich.

Stinginess

• Beware of a Christian with an open mouth and a closed pocket.
• Some give according to their means, and some according to their meanness.
• A miser might be pretty tough to live with, but he often makes a nice ancestor.
• In the 'good 'old days' the man who saved money was a miser. Now he is a wonder.
• Last Christmas a stingy father told his children that Santa Claus had been drafted into the army.
• There are thousands of people in this country who's hearts bleed for the poor but their pocket don't.

List Of Quips About Money: Other Topics

Success

• The success of a big party is usually measured by the money that is wasted.
• The man whose ship comes in usually finds most of his relatives at the dock.
• Go straight. Every crooked turn delays your arrival at success.
• If you are going to climb, grab the branches not the blossoms.
• The man who gets ahead, is the man who does more than necessary - and keeps on doing it.
• Our ship would come in much sooner if we would only swim out to meet it.
• Your aim should be service, not success.
• Ability will enable a man to get to the top, but it takes character to keep him there.
• An upright man can never be a downright failure.

Taxes

• It's hard to believe that America was found to avoid high taxation.
• We often wonder if automation will ever replace the taxpayer.
• A winning situation is when Congress puts a high tax on liquor and raises other taxes that drive people to drink.
• Every Congress sets out to trim the budget but the knife slips and trims the taxpayers instead.
• There is no tax on brains, the overall take would be too small.
• Nothing makes a man as modest about his income as completing an income tax return.
• Everybody works for the government, either on the payroll or the tax roll.
• Any government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take everything you have.
• The reason they say the income tax is the fairest tax of all is that it gives every individual an even chance at poverty.

Unemployment

• With today's taxes, you have to be unemployed to make a living.
• The greatest area of unemployment in the U.S.A is just above the shoulders.
• Unemployment takes the worry out of being late for work.
• It's always hard to find a job for the person who doesn't want one.

Vacation

• A Vacation means two weeks on the sand and 5 months on the rocks.
• The best place to spend your vacation is within your income.
• You usually need a vacation once you are finished paying for one.
• A vacation is nothing but a sunburn at a premium price.
• A vacation is two weeks of fun followed by weeks of no funds.
• A vacation is a brief period of recreation, preceded by a period of anticipation, and followed by a period of recuperation.
• The ideal vacation destination is a summer resort where the fish bite and the mosquitoes don't.
• Frankly, no one needs a vacation as much as the person who just had one.
• Vacations are to some people only another form of addiction they can't control.

Wages

• Our present economy is dreadful we are making more and more dollars and less and less money.
• Education helps you earn more. Not many teachers can prove that.
• The world is full of people making a good living put poor lives.
• Take-home pay can hardly survive the trip home these days.
• It's easy to figure out a wage another person must live on.
• Increased earnings always lead to increased yearnings.
• Wages can't meet higher prices if they are both going in the same direction.

Wealth

• It is not by purse, but by character that you are rich or poor.
• The latest type of underprivileged children are those whose parents own two cars but no speedboat.
• Contentment in life arrives not from great wealth, but from simple wants.
• You are never rich enough that you can afford to lose a friend.
• The easiest way to live within your income is to get a big one.
• Those who lose sight of health in the pursuit of wealth usually wind up losing both.
• Stop inflation, it's hazardous to our wealth.
• Most of us have two chances of becoming very wealthy - slim and none.
• Wealth makes people admire qualities in you that you don't possess.
• Wealth should have a caution siren because you can go under far quicker than you went up.

Enjoyed the list of quips about money?

I hope that when your 'money talks' it will echo

... Health, wealth and happiness!

And when you respond you will joyfully whisper...

Lived well, laughed often and loved much!

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